by Doug Daniels

with John Newport

            From day 1 my journey through life has traversed the intertwining paths of struggle and faith. I was born in Medford, Oregon in April, 1950, weighing only 2 pounds and 14 ounces at birth. I was blinded shortly after birth as a result of receiving too much oxygen in the incubator. Memories from my earlier years reflect the traumatic childhood I experienced.  In addition to my blindness I had to cope with frequent beatings by my mother, who suffered from schizophrenia. At age 5 my parents sent me to a boarding school for the blind, where I felt severely isolated and encountered both physical and emotional abuse.

                        Carrying the scars from my childhood trauma, most of my adult life has been characterized by constant turmoil, stemming from my misguided efforts to escape from pervasive feelings of shame and depression. I dropped out of high school and college, frequently changed careers, experienced the break-up of two marriages and a 10-year romantic and business involvement with another woman, and went through numerous business failures and geographic moves.

            Predominant themes of my adult life have been an intense striving for success, coupled with an obsession with pleasing others. I now realize that these strivings served to cover up my inner feelings of shame and inadequacy. My pervasive sense of unworthiness was fueled by guilt concerning the abuse I experienced as a child, together with my efforts to deny my blindness.  Indeed, my life became a constant struggle to gain acceptance through keeping up a “normal appearance” in a sighted world.   

I have always believed that music is the language of the soul, and my career endeavors have been predominantly driven by my love for music. As a singer and guitar player I cut a number of CDs, had my own radio show and owned two music stores. I also worked for several years as a music therapist in a mental health setting, as well as a recording engineer. Later on I worked for 10 years as a massage therapist.

            While outwardly I radiated an aura of success, I was firmly convinced that I would never be “good enough” to be loved as a person. In my early 20s I experienced an overwhelming sensation of loneliness and isolation, and attempted to take my life by overdosing on valium and alcohol. I now look upon this as a wake-up call from God, underscoring my need to break out of my shell of self-imposed isolation and seek help.

                        Beginning my Healing Journey

            My healing process began with a realization of the emotional scars I carried from my childhood, which I had spent most of my life attempting to bury.  Shortly after my suicide attempt I met the woman who became my first wife. We were married by a Unity minister and I fathered my daughter, Cory, in this marriage. My wife and I began to drift away from Unity and eventually divorced. Over the next six years I felt spiritually adrift, and went through my second marriage and divorce.

In 1987 I joined the Unity Church in Eugene, Oregon.  I learned to celebrate life through prayer and meditation, and felt that I was coming home to what had been missing from my life. I became actively involved in the church, and maintained a traveling music ministry for several years.

            In 1996 I moved to Port Townsend, Washington, where I entered into a 10-year liaison with a woman who had an active psychotherapy practice. We ran a successful business, combining her therapeutic skills with my work as a massage therapist. I also derived gratification from playing an influential role in her children’s lives as they were growing up.

            My healing crisis began with the break-up of this relationship. I became angry and abusive with my partner, which pushed her away and drove me into anger management counseling. My whole life fell apart, and I descended into a seemingly bottomless pit of deep depression and isolation. Having lost my motivation to work as a massage therapist, I lived on my small disability check and reduced my diet to rice and beans. I made a personal decision to go to God, retreating into a four-year period of isolation and spiritual introspection. During this period I became increasingly verbally abusive, angry, and intensely critical of both myself and others. It was as if I had built a box around myself, and the focus of my life kept getting smaller and smaller.

While I withdrew from Unity during this dark period, Rev. Pam’s husband, Lane, frequently visited me to remind me that I was a good person with a wealth of potential to offer the world. He persistently encouraged me to allow myself to move back into the light.                  

Coming Home to God

            Thanks to Lane’s loving support, late in 2006 I sensed that Unity was calling me back. Returning to Unity Port Townsend, I felt a wave of love and support coming from the entire congregation. Rev. Pam and Lane were especially supportive and Robin, our music coordinator, encouraged me to become involved in our church’s musical ministry. Shortly afterwards I met Susan, who played the keyboard at Sunday services.

            The next December our community was hit by a severe snowstorm, and I was seriously injured when I fell on the ice and hit my head. I was partially paralyzed, and my arms were severely injured. Not wanting to retreat into isolation again, I was determined to strive to reach out to others.

            Paradoxically, I began to experience a profound realization of the many people who had loved me throughout my life. I made a list of 40 people whom I knew had blessed me with their love and began tracking them down. As my physical capabilities were limited to singing and playing the guitar, I made a special CD dedicated to these 40 people. I called them one by one and told them “I know that you love me”, and sent them each a copy of the CD.

            Allowing myself to become fully integrated into Port Townsend Unity, I felt surrounded by an ocean of love. Susan and I became very close to each other: with her I experienced a profound sense of love and acceptance that had never been a part of my life before.

                        Coming Into the Light

            Returning home to our Unity congregation, I experienced an epiphany and realized that my real handicap was not my physical blindness. My real problem was my spiritual blindness, which had blocked me from seeing and experiencing the love around me. I was able to release my shame concerning my physical blindness, and was ready to accept help for my condition.

With the assistance I am now receiving from the Washington Department of Rehabilitation, I believe that God has granted me a golden opportunity to complete my education and avail myself of the many tools designed to help blind persons such as myself lead a more normal life. For the first time I feel that I have a life. I am finally able to ask for help – both from God and from other people – and feel exhilarated by the love and support flowing into my life each day.

To me God is love – and love is what I had previously been unable to see. I am grateful to have been given the opportunity to chart a new career path of helping others. Even though I don’t know exactly where this particular part of my journey will ultimately take me, I am confident that with God’s help I will create a viable career centered on sharing my gifts of healing. Perhaps this may take the form of a combination of writing, speaking and musical ministry. I now greet each day with the realization that I am truly blessed! 

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Doug Daniels is a musician, massage therapist and spiritual seeker based in Port Townsend, Washington. John Newport is a free-lance writer and author of The Wellness-Recovery Connection: Charting Your Pathway to Optimal Health While Recovering from Alcoholism and Drug Addiction (Health Communications, Inc.)  Both Doug and John are active members of the Unity Church of Port Townsend.